Playing Dirty

A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared the worst. He asked a senior partner whether he ought to send the judge a box of Havana cigars. “The judge is an honourable man”, the horrified partner exclaimed. If you do, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!” The judge eventually ruled in favor of the young lawyer’s client. “ Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. “I did send them,” the lawyer said. “I just enclosed the opposition’s business card.”

Goldfish v. Black Cat

If it pleases the Court, I will be defending myself in Goldfish v. Black Cat.

I’s Got a Lawyer Hired To Do de Defendin’

“Erastus, are you the defendant in this case?”

“No, Judge, I’s got a lawyer hired to do de defendin’. I’s de man dat stole de chickens.”

~ Philander Chase Johnson
“Everybody’s Magazine”, The Colyumists’ Confessional, May, 1920, p. 36

Philander Chase Johnson called it “[t]he most enduring joke [he] ever wrote”.

Had a Long Day In Court?

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

“WHAT FOR?!” he snapped at the judge.

The Judge, equally irked by his tedious day and the sharp query, roared out loud, “Twenty dollars, contempt of court! That’s why!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The guy replied, “I know – I’m just seeing if I have enough for 2 more words!”

Victim of a Car Crash? Here is What You Do…

Beware of who you get your legal advice from following a car crash.  Earlier this year, the Manhattan federal court accepted a guilty plea from a New York attorney for conspiring to defraud a health care benefit provider.  According to a press release, Jeffrey Squitieri, of Englewood Cliffs, N.J., was arrested while coaching an alleged car accident victim to commit health insurance fraud.  He didn’t know the supposed victim was an undercover agent as he urged the agent to make multiple doctor visits and undergo unnecessary procedures. That was the latest of legal problems for Suitieri who was disbarred last year for converting client funds from an escrow account.

Love-triangle Brawl Leads to Trial Judge Suspension

A Wal-Mart brawl with the new lover of his estranged wife led the Arkansas Supreme Court to suspend a trial judge for 30 days in October.  On April 5th police were called in to intervene when a spat between the two men escalated into a scuffle that sent them down on the floor on April 5th.  The fight started when Circuit Judge Sam Pope of Hamburg, Ark., spotted his estranged wife and her new admirer, identified as Bill Murray, in the Crossett, Ark., Wal-Mart and the two exchanged words eventually calling each other “ass-hole” and throwing punches.  The state’s high court suspended the judge for misconduct and ordered him to attend anger management classes.