Perfecting One-sided Arguments

District Attorney:  Judge, I would object to Counsel’s characterization of this disagreement.  He is giving a one-sided view.

Judge:  Of course he is.  That is what you expect from a trial attorney.

(from an actual court transcript)

Seven Years For A Busted Mirror?

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
~ Stephen Wright

Playing Dirty

A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared the worst. He asked a senior partner whether he ought to send the judge a box of Havana cigars. “The judge is an honourable man”, the horrified partner exclaimed. If you do, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!” The judge eventually ruled in favor of the young lawyer’s client. “ Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. “I did send them,” the lawyer said. “I just enclosed the opposition’s business card.”

I’s Got a Lawyer Hired To Do de Defendin’

“Erastus, are you the defendant in this case?”

“No, Judge, I’s got a lawyer hired to do de defendin’. I’s de man dat stole de chickens.”

~ Philander Chase Johnson
“Everybody’s Magazine”, The Colyumists’ Confessional, May, 1920, p. 36

Philander Chase Johnson called it “[t]he most enduring joke [he] ever wrote”.

Had a Long Day In Court?

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

“WHAT FOR?!” he snapped at the judge.

The Judge, equally irked by his tedious day and the sharp query, roared out loud, “Twenty dollars, contempt of court! That’s why!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The guy replied, “I know – I’m just seeing if I have enough for 2 more words!”

Pepe Le Pew Denies Allegations of Sexual Harassment

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Pepe Le Pew denies allegations of sexual harassment.