Golden Rule of Legal Argument

When the law is against you, argue the facts.
When the facts are against you, argue the law.
When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.

I Wish Lawyer Would…

Q. What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?

A. Stick his bill up his ass.

You Can’t Take It All With You Or Can You?

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”

“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.”

The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”

Don’t Make Me Release The Hostages!

Terrorists burst into a hotel conference room where the American Bar Association is holding its Annual Convention. They take more than a hundred attorneys as hostages.

As FBI arrives, the terrorist leader announces that, unless demands were met, they would release one attorney every hour.

What’s The Trampoline For?

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

A: You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.

Wait. Is This The Right Number?

A lawyer calls home to talk to his wife, and the maid answers the phone.

“Where’s my wife?”

“She’s upstairs in bed with another man.”

“I’ll pay you $100,000 and get you safely out of the country if you find my gun and kill them both. I’ll stay on the line while you do it.”

“Si, Senor.”

He hears two shots, then some thuds followed by a splash, some more thuds followed by another splash.

The maid comes back to the phone, “I did it.”

“What did you do?”

“I killed them both, and dumped their bodies in the pool.”

“What pool? Is this 555-3974?”