Define a Contingency Lawsuit

An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency. When the client asked what “contingency” was, the lawyer replied, “If I don’t win your lawsuit, I don’t get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don’t get anything.”

A Perfect Lab “Rat”

Why do pharmaceutical company laboratories now use lawyers rather than lab rats for testing?

  • Lawyers breed faster, so there are more of them.
  • Lab personnel don’t get as emotionally attached to them.
  • Lawyers do things rats won’t.
  • Animal protection groups don’t get nearly as excited.
  • And, of course, some people actually LIKE rats.

Mistaken Obituary For A Lawyer

A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary for the town’s oldest practicing lawyer. He called them immediately and threatened to sue unless they printed a correction.

The next day, the newspaper published the following notice, “We regret that the report of Attorney Johnson’s death was in error.”

Going Medieval On A Defendant

“It’s Medieval Times Week here at the courthouse, so I’m afraid that instead of getting probation, you’ll be drawn and quartered.”

Attorney Road Kill

Q: What do you do if you run over a lawyer?

A: Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

Can You Land Without a Parachute?

Q: What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of a plane at 35,000 feet without a parachute?

A: Who cares.