Goldfish v. Black Cat

If it pleases the Court, I will be defending myself in Goldfish v. Black Cat.

I’s Got a Lawyer Hired To Do de Defendin’

“Erastus, are you the defendant in this case?”

“No, Judge, I’s got a lawyer hired to do de defendin’. I’s de man dat stole de chickens.”

~ Philander Chase Johnson
“Everybody’s Magazine”, The Colyumists’ Confessional, May, 1920, p. 36

Philander Chase Johnson called it “[t]he most enduring joke [he] ever wrote”.

Had a Long Day In Court?

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

“WHAT FOR?!” he snapped at the judge.

The Judge, equally irked by his tedious day and the sharp query, roared out loud, “Twenty dollars, contempt of court! That’s why!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The guy replied, “I know – I’m just seeing if I have enough for 2 more words!”

Love-triangle Brawl Leads to Trial Judge Suspension

A Wal-Mart brawl with the new lover of his estranged wife led the Arkansas Supreme Court to suspend a trial judge for 30 days in October.  On April 5th police were called in to intervene when a spat between the two men escalated into a scuffle that sent them down on the floor on April 5th.  The fight started when Circuit Judge Sam Pope of Hamburg, Ark., spotted his estranged wife and her new admirer, identified as Bill Murray, in the Crossett, Ark., Wal-Mart and the two exchanged words eventually calling each other “ass-hole” and throwing punches.  The state’s high court suspended the judge for misconduct and ordered him to attend anger management classes.

Golden Rule of Legal Argument

When the law is against you, argue the facts.
When the facts are against you, argue the law.
When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.

10 Bar Exam Jokes

If you took or are taking the Bar Exam, then you know what these are.  If you didn’t, then what the hell are you doing reading this?

1. People who don’t record their deeds:

Hey. Fuck face. That’s a nice deed you got there. Went ahead and bought TheAcre, didya? That’s awesome. Owning property is a sign of real maturity. Now, why don’t you do us all a favor, and go record the fucking deed.

Right. Fucking. Now. Don’t put it in a goddamn drawer. Don’t go off to India for 20 years. Don’t leave the deed in your will for dear cousin Victorianox. Get your fat lazy ass down to the records office, and record it before I burn your house down. Don’t worry, I’m not a “known” arsonist.

2. Wily property sellers:

Here is a suggestion to those Bill of Rights violatin’ petty thug ass clowns, the Police. How about you go down to the Acre, and arrest the son of a bitch who sells the same house to 15 different people, over and over. I’m sick of this guy getting away every time he pulls this shit, and I’m left to sort out the fucking pieces.

3. ‘Known’ arsonists:

Here’s a little tip to all the cretins that keep hiring ‘known’ arsonists to burn down their cheating girlfriend’s house. Why is it, do you think, that he is a known arsonist?  He’s “known” because he has been fucking caught before. You don’t know who the good arsonists are, do you?! Because they have their shit together. But no, you had to go hire Dusseldorf, or Durango, or whatever D word your fuckwit moron arsonist is named, and now he’s gone and burned the wrong house, and left me with a BAR question.

4. People who back out of conspiracies:

Why don’t you just stick with it and save us all some trouble?

5. Power companies that leave an electric wire live to deter copper theft:

While I appreciate your effort to rid the world of thieves stupid enough to try and steal raw copper wiring that’s humming and has blue arcs dancing on it, it’s just gonna bite you in the ass in the end. Just let the copper go.

6. Fertile Octogenarians

I think I speak for all of us when I say……..Burn the witch! Burn her! And don’t use a ‘known’ arsonist!

7. People who use anything more complicated than Fee Simple Absolute in a will:

Hey, old man. Either give Horatio your interest in the Acre, or don’t, alright? Don’t condition it on him growing a mustache, or learning to play the calliope, or winning ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ Don’t grant a springing executive interest to Zenobia if she manages to graduate from Ninja academy. Stop making my life more complicated than it needs to be, you narcissistic old man, and stop trying to control your property from the grave in a vain attempt to make up for your feebleness in life.

8. House Painters:

Just paint the fucking house yourself, Paulson. Trust me on this one. It’s not worth it.

9. Bank Mortgages:

Hi there, First National Bank of South Calizonachussettsas. I don’t mean to tell you how to run your business, but allow me to impart a bit of sage wisdom. When someone :

1) named Defaultina McBankrupstein,

2) is taking out her 17th mortgage with you,

3) on a place called Mushacre

4) so she can buy a new hat,

do NOT fucking come crying to me when the inevitable judicial foreclosure sale nets $34, a button, and some lint, all of which are devoured by the banks that are 20 miles ahead of you in creditor line. And do not ask me whether you are a junior or senior mortgagor, or whether you debt is secured, or some other bullshit I don’t understand, because the answer is always the same.

D) You are fucked. Take it like a man.

10. Wanna-be Burglars:

I am sick to death of these slackjawed melon-heads deciding at 2 a.m. that they need to borrow their neighbors wrench, and are sure he ‘won’t mind’ if they saunter on over there in the middle of the night, crowbar the garage open, smash open his tool chest, and ‘borrow it.’ And then always the inevitable fucking:  Did he commit Larceny/Burglary/Robbery??????  Ohhhhh, no intent! Let him go, boys. Let the man go. So I can throw the wrench right at his goddamn teeth.Good thing when we are really in practice we will have these Intent Goggles (c), that can magically tell us, despite every bit of evidence to the contrary, this jackass really didn’t intend to commit a crime. He genuinely thought that breaking into your neighbor’s house, stealing his car, taking a shit on his pool table, and sleeping with his wife were all part of the social covenants between good neighbors.