Goldfish v. Black Cat

If it pleases the Court, I will be defending myself in Goldfish v. Black Cat.

Victim of a Car Crash? Here is What You Do…

Beware of who you get your legal advice from following a car crash.  Earlier this year, the Manhattan federal court accepted a guilty plea from a New York attorney for conspiring to defraud a health care benefit provider.  According to a press release, Jeffrey Squitieri, of Englewood Cliffs, N.J., was arrested while coaching an alleged car accident victim to commit health insurance fraud.  He didn’t know the supposed victim was an undercover agent as he urged the agent to make multiple doctor visits and undergo unnecessary procedures. That was the latest of legal problems for Suitieri who was disbarred last year for converting client funds from an escrow account.

Golden Rule of Legal Argument

When the law is against you, argue the facts.
When the facts are against you, argue the law.
When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.

10 Bar Exam Jokes

If you took or are taking the Bar Exam, then you know what these are.  If you didn’t, then what the hell are you doing reading this?

1. People who don’t record their deeds:

Hey. Fuck face. That’s a nice deed you got there. Went ahead and bought TheAcre, didya? That’s awesome. Owning property is a sign of real maturity. Now, why don’t you do us all a favor, and go record the fucking deed.

Right. Fucking. Now. Don’t put it in a goddamn drawer. Don’t go off to India for 20 years. Don’t leave the deed in your will for dear cousin Victorianox. Get your fat lazy ass down to the records office, and record it before I burn your house down. Don’t worry, I’m not a “known” arsonist.

2. Wily property sellers:

Here is a suggestion to those Bill of Rights violatin’ petty thug ass clowns, the Police. How about you go down to the Acre, and arrest the son of a bitch who sells the same house to 15 different people, over and over. I’m sick of this guy getting away every time he pulls this shit, and I’m left to sort out the fucking pieces.

3. ‘Known’ arsonists:

Here’s a little tip to all the cretins that keep hiring ‘known’ arsonists to burn down their cheating girlfriend’s house. Why is it, do you think, that he is a known arsonist?  He’s “known” because he has been fucking caught before. You don’t know who the good arsonists are, do you?! Because they have their shit together. But no, you had to go hire Dusseldorf, or Durango, or whatever D word your fuckwit moron arsonist is named, and now he’s gone and burned the wrong house, and left me with a BAR question.

4. People who back out of conspiracies:

Why don’t you just stick with it and save us all some trouble?

5. Power companies that leave an electric wire live to deter copper theft:

While I appreciate your effort to rid the world of thieves stupid enough to try and steal raw copper wiring that’s humming and has blue arcs dancing on it, it’s just gonna bite you in the ass in the end. Just let the copper go.

6. Fertile Octogenarians

I think I speak for all of us when I say……..Burn the witch! Burn her! And don’t use a ‘known’ arsonist!

7. People who use anything more complicated than Fee Simple Absolute in a will:

Hey, old man. Either give Horatio your interest in the Acre, or don’t, alright? Don’t condition it on him growing a mustache, or learning to play the calliope, or winning ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ Don’t grant a springing executive interest to Zenobia if she manages to graduate from Ninja academy. Stop making my life more complicated than it needs to be, you narcissistic old man, and stop trying to control your property from the grave in a vain attempt to make up for your feebleness in life.

8. House Painters:

Just paint the fucking house yourself, Paulson. Trust me on this one. It’s not worth it.

9. Bank Mortgages:

Hi there, First National Bank of South Calizonachussettsas. I don’t mean to tell you how to run your business, but allow me to impart a bit of sage wisdom. When someone :

1) named Defaultina McBankrupstein,

2) is taking out her 17th mortgage with you,

3) on a place called Mushacre

4) so she can buy a new hat,

do NOT fucking come crying to me when the inevitable judicial foreclosure sale nets $34, a button, and some lint, all of which are devoured by the banks that are 20 miles ahead of you in creditor line. And do not ask me whether you are a junior or senior mortgagor, or whether you debt is secured, or some other bullshit I don’t understand, because the answer is always the same.

D) You are fucked. Take it like a man.

10. Wanna-be Burglars:

I am sick to death of these slackjawed melon-heads deciding at 2 a.m. that they need to borrow their neighbors wrench, and are sure he ‘won’t mind’ if they saunter on over there in the middle of the night, crowbar the garage open, smash open his tool chest, and ‘borrow it.’ And then always the inevitable fucking:  Did he commit Larceny/Burglary/Robbery??????  Ohhhhh, no intent! Let him go, boys. Let the man go. So I can throw the wrench right at his goddamn teeth.Good thing when we are really in practice we will have these Intent Goggles (c), that can magically tell us, despite every bit of evidence to the contrary, this jackass really didn’t intend to commit a crime. He genuinely thought that breaking into your neighbor’s house, stealing his car, taking a shit on his pool table, and sleeping with his wife were all part of the social covenants between good neighbors.

Emma Lazarus Takes On Bar Exam

Bar Exam

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”

~ Emma Lazarus

The photo shows law students taking the Bar Exam in New York City.  While Emma Lazarus did not take the Bar Exam, this picture says it all.

The quote is from “The New Colossus”.  A sonnet writen by Emma Lazarus (1849-1887) in 1883 and engraved on a bronze plaque that could be seen mounted on the lower level inside the pedestal of the Statue of Liberty.

Soar High, My Legal Eagles…

Circaetus gallicus : a snake eagle swallows a prey while flying.  Photo by Juan lacruz.As long as you are men, that is.

The wage gap between men and women across many industries in America is a well-known fact, but it is how organizations choose to deal with this gap that separates men from boys (women have no say in this). To reaffirm this truism come along these juicy allegations courtesy of the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey.

A former high-level lawyer for the agency, Donald Burke, is claiming in federal court that he was forced to resign in the face of retaliation for refusing to go along with discrimination against older, female attorneys employed by the agency.  Mr. Burke alleges that more experienced women were paid less than younger men.  After he refused a request from higher ups in the general counsel’s office to alter job evaluations to make the disparity appear justified, two of the lowest paid women were fired to make the disparity less stark, he says.

In a separate action against the Port Authority, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission alleges age discrimination and Equal Pay Act violations on behalf of the fired lawyers, Shirley Spira and Dolores Ward.

Photo by Juan Iacruz.